The Old Barn. Friday Fictioneers

Below is the story that I am submitting to the Friday Fictioneers challenge. I had to edit significantly from my original which was over 145 words. The shortened version is 107 words. I have done something here that I don’t normally do. Under the submitted story for Friday Fictioneers, you will find the original. You can choose which is better.

PHOTO PROMPT © Dawn Miller

The Old Barn

“We gotta tear the old barn down dad.”

“Why?” I turned angrily towards Jim.

“It’s not useful anymore, its an eyesore and well, its old”

“That barn has done a lot of good in its day. It’s given shelter to needy folk, looked after the animals during storms and birthing, it did you all right as a youngster.”

“Well, I’m in charge now and I’m gonna tear it down. I just wanted to tell you that’s all”.

There was no arguing with him. I stood up and walked to the barn for the last time. There I sat on my old useless chair and closed my eyes.

 

Original

“We gotta tear the old barn down dad.”

“Why?” I turned quickly and angrily towards Jim.

“It’s not useful anymore, its an eyesore and well, its old”

“That barn has done a lot of good in its day. It’s given shelter to needy folk, looked after the animals during storms and birthing, it did you all right as a youngster. It’s still sturdy, sure it has its leaks and needs a new coat of paint but…”

“Well Dad, you don’t run this farm anymore, I do. The barn is past its used by date now and I’m gonna tear it down. I just wanted to tell you that’s all”.

There was no arguing with him. Anything not productive was just discarded. I stood up, put my coffee mug in the sink and walked out to the barn for the last time. There I sat on my old useless chair and closed my eyes.

IM000622

An old but still useful barn I took a picture of prior to 2010

11 Comments

Filed under literature, short stories

11 responses to “The Old Barn. Friday Fictioneers

  1. Time marches on but it takes our memories with it. Thoughtful piece, well done

  2. Good story, Dave.
    Can I just say that we could all use more words, every week!
    But it becomes a matter of personal pride to say what we have to in exactly 100 words.
    You will get to enjoy the challenge, I am sure.

  3. I like the edited version better. I’m sorry the oldtimer is going to lose his barn.

  4. I love to sink deep into my reading, ‘Anything not productive was just discarded’. The second piece touched the heartstrings, poor Dad, either way, two great pieces.

  5. The edited version works well. The old man’s sense of time passed comes across. Nice one.

  6. Dear Dave,

    The edited version is much tighter and to the point. Sometimes less really is more.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

  7. It feels as if it’s not just the barn that has outlasted usefulness but how the father feels as well.

  8. Good one. I agree with most that the edited version works best (and that you could have trimmed the extra 7 😉 )

  9. Shorter version is better. We don’t need to know all the details; in fact, it makes better flash fiction to trim all the fat while still making the point.

  10. Dee | Grammy's Grid

    Time changes all.

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