What happens when an agoraphobic becomes claustrophobic? I open the door of my room. I also open the computer and begin to write blogs and emails to people trying to explain how I am feeling. to reach out to others; testing the water with my little toe. Opening myself to pressure, ridicule and shame.
What little pressures I have in this life may seem small to others but added up become overwhelming at times.Pressure from not having enough income from my very casual job. Pressures from my health, as I am unable to cope with more work. Extra pressures from my health now that I have been diagnosed with Diabetes and as yet I don’t know how to control it.
How is the water… my toe sends signals… is it too cold?… are people too standoffish, too distant. Do they want to welcome me in. “Come on in, the water is just fine”.
Is is too warm? … do the pressures of life leave me hot and bothered… wanting to loosen my tie?
Is it clean or polluted? If the water is too pure, will my entering it somehow cause it to be less so? If the water is too polluted, do I risk myself to become polluted by the bad thoughts and ideas of the world in which I choose to live?
Others are in the water, they seem fine. If I stand here on the shore, people will point and laugh anyway, I don’t look good in a bathing suit. Standing here on the shore, alone, makes me conspicuous anyway.
Everyone looks the same when the water is up to their neck. Like ducks, some of us are paddling furiously under the surface to keep afloat, while others glide with ease.
With others encouragement, I take a deep breath, ready myself and dive into life headfirst. I will surface, I will survive, and if I tire or feel that the water is too deep, I have many around me to hold me up… and lifesavers on the shore waiting to jump in at a moments notice.
Thank God for friends, and lifesavers.